It was a chamsin. For those that live in Israel, you know what I am talking about. Every once in a while, in Israel we get a chamsin, a sandstorm. During a chamsin, it is hot outside and gets pretty dark and looks like a yellow smog layer has taken over the usual blue skies.
I was watching two of my neighbor’s girls and my daughter for the afternoon. Due to the heat I immediately offered everyone ice pops. I wanted to try and balance the artificial sugar so I cut up some fresh fruit and put it on the table. The girls enjoyed the nectarines and apples and then went off to play with dolls. As the afternoon proceeded it became clear that the weather was not very inviting outside and we would be staying inside. I printed out coloring pages and the girls were coloring away. Once they were done, the girls asked for a treat. I don’t know if the girls were testing my boundaries or if I was caught off guard but I had a hard time saying “No, we already had our snack.” I remembered we had some marshmallows so I decided to give everyone one.
Then my other neighbor’s two girls knocked at the door. We invited them in. Everyone was playing nicely and sharing. One of the girls who had just arrived asked for a treat. I wanted to be a good host so I offered her a treat and to each of the other four girls. The girls were content with their treat. We turned the house into a Gymboree and the girls were jumping from the couch onto mattresses and having a great time. After all the jumping the girls were hungry again. I thought to myself, something is not right here and felt like I needed to learn how to set healthy boundaries.
How can I as a parent find the healthy balance of not being too controlling on the one hand and not controlling enough on the other hand? What is the balance between forcing your child to eat on one extreme and letting your child choose what they want from the refrigerator on the other extreme? I found the answer to these questions while learning Ellyn Satter’s[1] model called the Division of Responsibility in Feeding. This model states:
- The parent is responsible for the what, when, where of feeding.
- The child is responsible for the how much and whether of eating. [2]
Much research supports this model and shows that children eat well when they are given a structure of meals and snacks, opportunities to try new foods, and limits. Parenting research also supports this model.
An example of such research was done by child development specialist, Diane Baumrind, in which she labels the three types of parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive. Authoritative parents set boundaries but are also attentive to their children’s requests and take them into consideration. These parents give love and limits and in turn their children tend to be content with themselves and generous with their friends. The Division of Responsibility in Feeding is based on the authoritative method of parenting. Then there are the other two ends of the spectrum in parenting. The authoritarian parent, in contrast, has unrealistic expectations for their children and demands immediate compliance. These parents may force their children to eat a certain food or eat everything on their plate without any regard to the child’s preferences or feelings. Children of authoritarian parents tend to be shy and nervous and not as motivated as other children. Finally, there are the permissive parents who set unclear boundaries or have no expectations for the child’s schedule. They do not set any limits on their children’s eating behavior or participation in family meals. Children of these parents learn from their parents’ behavior and tend to act out aggressively and lack self-control.[3]
I realize now that I was being a permissive parent. I wasn’t setting strong enough limits. I needed to set a snack time and to decide what was going to be served. Of course while still taking into consideration my daughter’s preferences. While the weather was pretty awful and I judge myself favorably that the girls did have a good time, on the other hand one of the girls a couple of weeks later said to me, “If you are a nutritionist, why do you give us so many treats?” I understood from this comment that she knew she was testing my boundaries and she did not need any more snacks.
While children are constantly testing our boundaries, being clear about what rational limits are will help us be better parents. Some tips of good boundaries with eating are:
- A child should learn table manners (respectfully saying ‘no thank you’ if they don’t like a certain food)
- Schedule meal and snack times
- Set a meal/snack menu and let your child choose from the foods you serve (no short-order cooking)
- A child should know that eating time is at meal times and snack times (no bed time snack after teeth brushing…)
- Set a limit to how much milk or juice you serve
Bad feeding practices that are stepping over healthy limits would be:
- Forcing a child to stay at the table to eat their vegetables
- Forcing a child to finish everything on their plate
- Serving desert only if the child eats everything on their plate.
- Only serving three meals a day (a child needs scheduled snacks)
Reflecting on the Division of Responsibility in Feeding and the authoritative method of parenting I could not help but compare it to the healthy boundaries a Jew is given in the Torah. In the Torah, Hashem sets guidelines and limits and within those boundaries we still have the power of choice. As we learn in Chassidus, “It is an important fundamental rule that the entire world was created for choice. Therefore choice has a very big power…”[4] Hashem does not want us to be like puppets or forced against our will, instead he gives us guidelines and limits and from there we have the power to choose how to incorporate them into our lives.
For example we are given the laws of kashrut which direct us on certain types of food to buy and certain ways of preparation. We still have the ability to choose from a wide variety of products at the grocery store, a plethora of recipes to prepare, and what type of cuisine we would like to eat. Even with all these choices, we are still within the boundaries of the Torah which enable us to elevate the food and ourselves when we sit down for a meal.
Hashem, our father in Heaven, is our ultimate teacher. Just as we Jews need guidelines of how to make good choices, so do our children. By making a schedule of meals and snacks for your children and setting a menu with options they can choose from you are giving them the ability to make good choices. You are being an authoritative parent just as Hashem is with every Jew. You are incorporating the wisdom of the Torah and implementing it into your daily life.
[1] A dietician and family therapist, MS RD CICSW BCD, who has done much research childhood feeding and eating.
[2] Satter,E. 2000: Child of Mine: Feeding with love and Good Sense. United Sates: Bull Publishing Company, p. 380
[3] Satter,E., et al p. 381
[4] Lekutei Halachot (Rebbe Natan’s explanation of the Shulchan Aruch), Orach Hayim, Hilchot Birkot Ha’shachar, Halacha 5
Gentle Family Nutrition 
Leave a comment